I think why a portion of both my LJ and Myspace entries have been written in so general a way is: I wanted to make certain that I put my deepest and most heartfelt beliefs about love and about this life we all live, out there for people to first be aware of before I got into the more personal aspects of my life. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, "One's true nature often has little to do with the life one actually lives."
I do believe in Love. I know ultimately I am Love - expressed in the flesh. But in more human terms, my love life has unfortunately been exceedingly . . . disappointing; wrought with too much expectation (although I must say I didn't always think what I was looking for was indeed too much to ask). Throughout my whole life so far, I have found my relationships, and definitely the men I've been with to be horribly disappointing. Why? Because I always knew the sort of people they often were could never have loved me in the way I deserve. They were always guys that were far beneath me, in terms of what sort of people they were in character, what kind of love they had to offer, as it were.
These were mostly men, (some I can't even use that word "men" in describing their level of emotional intelligence and maturity), that were too broken on the inside. They were guys that were drug addicts, too mentally unstable, too superficial, too emotionally closed off, too scared of love to love me, too jaded, too beautiful on the outside and hollow on the inside - the list is unbelievably long.
After sifting through enough of these kinds of men and relationships, what has in fact happened as a result is something I carry a lot of shame for - such a person as I've always been that believed strongly in love and it's ways, has over the last few years aquired a deeply jaded heart. This presents a bit of a problem because one cannot know they're capable of loving and of being loved with a jaded heart. Often there is too much doubt, too much fear of being hurt, and these feelings of mine are very precious to me. It pains me to know that on a certain level, I've become the very thing I forever swore I'd never become - jaded.
I look at my folks that've been married for forty years, I look at all the craziness that I often see going on in the relationships of many of my friends, co-workers, family relatives, - and I somehow become more convinced it's just easier, safer, and far less emotionally taxing to be alone. Come to think of it, I've always been a loner, like Hesses' Steppenwolf, the path I've walked for so long in my life has been a somewhat singular one. And it has not always been fun or easy, and yet I can't remember a time where it didn't seem to come naturally to be alone.
Now, what I've seen from both my relationships and those of others I know, is that at some point they often are made into being about some kind of power struggle, who's got more say, who's got less say. And in gay relationships especially between two men, it's often even more difficult playing the roles of who's more "the man" or "the woman" in the relationship, as I've always assumed it should really just be about the love, and the compromise made. And so, I have found through the years, other ways of getting and having love; mostly through family relations and especially through my really close and intimate friendships.
But if you want to know what really scares me, it's this: I don't blame the men of my past. I realize that the question is not who's fault it is, or who's to blame. In sober truth, I know I was always attracting these kinds of men into my life experience. It's taken me years in coming to know this about myself but, really the truth is that I've never had enough positive self-esteem. I know I've never loved myself enough to deem myself worthy of another person's unconditional love. It's not that I never liked myself completely. Like many people, It's just that there's a part of myself I knew I didn't like. And so my ego compensated by trying to get other people to like me.
Much of this particular issue I've come along way with. But I know now that what I was in fact doing in the past was mostly about attracting the aspects of my Self that I didn't like and maybe felt I needed to work on. So those relationships of my past were really just mirror reflections of the different aspects of myself "showing up" so I could learn how to love them more, with less harsh judgement. To begin to see how someone could love me unconditionally, as I am now, taking my good with my bad and in-between; with all my faults, quirks, and idiosyncrasies. It was just that those unlikeable parts of myself were showing up vicariously through the men of my past.
And so, as my therapist will often ask me:
"So all that was the past, Adam. What now will you choose to do about it?"