ephraimsi79 (ephraimsi79) wrote,

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What's in an upgrade?

OK so I'm chatting the other night with my ex Frankie. He's extremely attractive. The whole dirty
blonde hair, dreamy sea-blue eyes, 6'1" in height, Guggi modelesque look. Anyway, he tells me that
he's got a new man. They've known each other for eight months and have been dating for the past four. The guy is older than Frankie - maybe around 32, name is also Adam, and the two of them are happy as two peas in a pod.

Where's the big happy gay ending to this tale, one might ask? Sadly folks, this is where the proverbial modern day gay love story begins to show its dysfunctional turns for the worst. Frankie decided to email me a before/after of this guy, seems he has just finished going through a total makeover. "Frankie," I asked, "Adam didn't go through a makeover just so he could be with you, right?" It would appear that Frankie went ahead and told this poor guy that he could never even think of being with him unless he was willing to lose weight, cut his hair, learn how to dress, stop getting his eyebrows done, and start appearing more "masculine".

This guy Adam wanted so much to be with Frankie, that he has spent the last four months working everyday to "improve" his outward appearance in exact accordance with Frankie's specifications. Now, according to all involved, both Frankie and Adam are happily together, existing in gay heaven. Frankie wanted to know if I thought he did a good job of over-seeing his boyfriend's makeover. I was at a complete and utter failure for words. I think I decided to steer the conversation to a different subject.

Once again, I will state my belief about gay people and about gay culture: we still DO NOT know how to get on with our own kind! Gay men still DO NOT know how to get on with other men. We use each other for sex, drugs, the remedy for lonliness, and worst of all - emotional co-dependance.

The thing that bothers me so much is: you think that perhaps you have a more positive influence on the person you're with. There may have been fights, harsh words, drama (god knows), perhaps even a bitter break up - but you think somewhere in the time you were with that person, you covered certain areas of life-lessons; one of which would of course be: DO NOT CHANGE FOR SOMEONE
ELSE! If there is something about youself you want to change, that change should really ONLY be for yourself - NOT TO PLEASE AND APPEASE SOMEONE ELSE; OR TO BE WITH THEM!!!

To know that a person as they are now, in this very moment, is "good enough" - is a truth about ourselves that many gay men have wholly forgotten, if they even understood it to begin with. How many gay men turn into Gym-bunnies, take steroids (& other drugs), go for plastic surgery, etc.?

To end with - Do I think the relationship of my ex-lover will work out? I know it may not seem kind or gracious, yet, I must say, for Adam's sake, I hope it doesn't. My hope is that Adam finally tells Frankie to go straight to Hell, and how dare Frankie even think to ask him to change because he wasn't "enough" of something!

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